Report: Your Favorite Player Took Steroids

NEW YORK— Representatives from Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey League, and several other major sporting organizations announced Tuesday that a study conducted by an independent agency has determined that your personal favorite player "almost certainly" took steroids if he or she played at any point during the past 150 years.
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"We are saddened to announce that any and all professional athletes regarded with respect or affection by fans of professional sports was a regular user of performance-enhancing substances including, but not limited to, the anabolic androgenic steroid class of synthetic hormones," MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced at a press conference Tuesday, where he was accompanied at the lectern by NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, NBA commissioner David Stern, and representatives from the governing bodies of 22 other major sports. "We sincerely apologize for, and confess that we share in, the profound feeling of disappointment and betrayal that our fans must be feeling at this time, and ask that you exercise patience as we release the entire 20,000-page, 36-volume set of our findings."

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