CIA WANTS DR. PHIL
That sly "How's that working for you?" grin gets 'em every time.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The CIA is so impressed by Dr. Phil's interrogation techniques they're interested in hiring him as a consultant. They've yet to interrogate the man himself, as they are still gathering information.

"Watch his show," said a top CIA official. "He seems so homey and touchy-feely until it gets down to the nittygritty. His lectures to his guests are ball-breakers, and he always ends with, 'so what's it gonna be?' and they give it up. Instantly."

With the government's problems in Abu Ghraib and Gitmo, they're looking for a kinder, gentler approach, but of course they need results. "Our reputation has suffered some damage lately, there's no doubt. Hiring everybody's buddy as a top consultant could help that, but the real goal is to find out how he pulls all that information from people, in front of a live audience, and broadcasts to millions. He gets them to admit things I wouldn't say out loud if I was all alone in my bathroom."

The official says the government has studied endless tapes of his show, but they just can't nail the technique. "We think he could teach us how to suck them in with that sly 'How's that working for you?' grin. The detainees aren't tough enough to withstand that, followed by the blow to their psychological security when he launches into a tirade when he gets less than the truth. The unrelenting lecture, the flailing arms, leaning in real close to the subject with his fist on his knee, that abrupt switch will break them. That's the key."

SEATTLE, Wash. -- Emergency room physicians in this great northwestern city have been dealing with a rash of patients suffering from strange ankle bites. Dr. Scott Moore, an internist at Seattle General Hospital, told Weekly World News.

"Initially, we worked on the theory these were some sort of insect bites. We discovered that all the patients had recently been for walks through the botanical garden and crossed over the troll bridge."

Scientists from the Seattle School of Entomology were dispatched to the arboretum. What they found was no insect.

Dr. Jane Simons told WWN, "I was crossing the troll bridge with my bug net when 'he' popped up in front of me. I've seen enough horror movies to know right away that this fanged, caped man was a vampire."

Except the mini-vampire was only three feet high.

Dr. Simons said, "No wonder he could only bite ankles." She slammed her net over him but he chewed right through and vanished into the thick foliage.

Dr. Simons' discovery brought a flurry of scientists to Seattle to study the diminutive Dracula. In an attempt to explain the presence of the little nipper, noted Romanian vampire expert Dr. Zoltan Orr said, "A dwarf strain of vampires has long been rumored.

"Around the world we have found evidence of discarded ammunition boxes being used as small coffins and wooden stakes as small as toothpicks. So we knew there were some little guys out there."

Regarding the discovery in Seattle, Dr. Orr said, "While vampires are nocturnal, the perpetual grayness of the Pacific Northwest seems to have provided this little fellow with a welcome shield from the sun."

When asked how the native from Transylvania might have ended up in the Seattle botanical garden Dr. Orr said, "I suspect he was accidentally transported in a box of Romanian dirt. The garden uses native plants and soil and Dr. Simons reports a lush growth of Romanian lilies."

Dr. Orr indicated the bite from this pocket-sized beast caused only low-grade reactions in his victims but also added, "This small-scale sucker is still highly dangerous even though he is sort of cute -- like a baby crocodile is cute."

Arboretum officials are at a loss as to what to do with the diminutive plasma thief. "Attendance has been way up since the discovery," said director Flora Bush. "We have posted warning signs but, frankly, people like to be scared. Nobody ever lost money giving the public what they want. And to be honest, we need the money."

"I suggest they plant garlic along the paths," Dr. Orr suggested.

"That should protect the public but still give them a thrill when the vampire pops up and nips at their heals."